I know you just want to look at me when you're talking to me.
I know you just want to admire your girlfriend while she gets her shower.
i know you just want to sit on the bed and smile patiently while I dry my hair, get dressed, etc.
I know you just want to watch that serious look on my face when I'm speeding through the street in the car.

I don't like you watching me because I'm afraid that you'll see something you don't like.
I'm afraid that you'll realize how much better you can do if you watch me just being me.
I'm afraid that one day I'll notice you aren't looking at me anymore because your eyes have wandered to someone else.

Day job

I've gotten three calls from my day employer today.

One was at 9:55 this morning. Not only was it something unimportant, it was really rude to call me that early in the morning. 10 may not be THAT early, but as far as they know, I could have been out until 5am last night.

Second call - 10:06. Asking questions about a customers order. I had already left all of the information there and available. Alan and I were actually having sex at the time, and he didn't stop. Can you imagine how HARD it is to answer questions about something redundant when you have someone inside you, pumping away?

The last one, about forty minutes ago, became a voicemail. I saw the number, rolled my eyes exasperated, and decided to not pick up. I checked my voicemail, and lo and behold, I was being told I *have* to work tomorrow from 3-7.

I'm not going to. I'm calling them back to tell them no. Not only will that mean that I'm working tomorrow, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, but I'm not going in for a four hour shift. It's not worth my time, and it's not worth the kilometers on my car and gas to get there. I'm feeling walked over enough as it is; I'm enjoying my two days off like anyone else should be allowed to. Fuck you guys.

What's a day off when all I think about is work?

Paradise by the Dashboard Light

I just love the stage we're in. It's the one, and everyone will know what I'm talking about, where everything is still fresh and new and fun. Everything you do is still a first, or if it isn't a first, you consider it a REAL first, because the first first was just pratice for the REAL first. You know what I mean. even if you don't, you know how much fun it is!

Last night we had dinner with his parents. Trying to look my best, I wore my pinstripe skirt. I used a new lotion on my legs and they were incredibly smooth. Dinner was lovely, and afterwards we went out for coffee and dessert. Snowballs and peanut butter balls, my favorite! (What can I say, I'm easy to please!) Alan suggested driving out to Cape Spear, when he had his hand on my leg. The further we drove, the more deliberate his stroking got. It got to the point where I couldn't concentrate on the road anymore.

I was in the drivers seat. one foot on the passenger side of the dashboard, one on the passenger side headrest, my back pressed against the door. I spilled starbucks all over the floor of my brand new car, trying to give him better access, but at the time I didn't have a care in the world about it. I barely do now! My windows were fogged up like a steam room.

Back to his place, exhausted and satisfied, we watched an episode of Six Feet Under! (We're already on the second season!) During the episode, my clothing magically removed itself again. We didn't end up sleeping until 3am.

This morning we did it all over again. I dropped him off at work this morning, and I know he'll be thinking of it all day.

EXCITING NEWS!!! ***I should be back in my apartment within days - maybe even tonight!!*** Update later!

Strip Club! ;)

I met a caller this weekend! I was waiting for some friends to show up at a bar when he approached and asked if I was who he thought I was. It was great - thanks baby, sorry I couldn't stay for that drink! Next time? ;)

Alan and I and a few friends of ours went to a strip club Saturday night! It was fantastic. I'd love to do that someday. I never will, but I can dream. There was this one dancer, and god was she beautiful. She had platinum blonde hair, and the longest legs ever! I'd actually venture to say that she was probably a size 10 or 12, not your typical stripper. But what a reaction she got! There were two bachelor parties there that night, and the place was full. The whole crowd went wild as she teased them. It was great, and a huge turn on! She loved it. I loved it.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I get more than my share of compliments. Almost every caller that I speak with says something sweet and unecessary. But multiply that into a room full of men hollering and cheering for you; big difference. Maybe someday. ;)

Porn Star

I've been totally freaked out since earlier today when a caller, who was honestly trying to give a compliment, told me I had porn-star lips. He may as well have told me I had humongous fish-like things attached to my mouth! All I keep picturing is Pamela Anderson, Angelina Jolie, Jesse James..etc.. Lips that look like they're about to explode!~

Alan was trying to be compassionate, by telling me my lips were beautiful, but that just freaked me out even more, because he was looking at them.

Are they really that bad?? Are they that huge?? Disproportionate? Do I have FAT lips???
Even worse, do I belong on awfulplasticsurgery.com? (Not that I've had plastic surgery, but do I LOOK like it??)
I think I'm going to lose it.

Later on, I caught him staring at me while I was using the computer. I smiled, and asked "What is it?"
"Your lips.. they're so sexy"

So now I'm going to walk around for the next 100 days with my lips pressed together.

That now you blow my mind, Honey, You're sweeter, Than anything

Last night was amazing. Fucking amazing.

It started off yesterday afternoon, when I was sitting at his computer, searching the news or some such ridiculous thing, when he came over to talk to me. He was standing next to me, talking about something, when I swirled my chair away from the computer desk, and while still listening, looked up at him, and unbuttoned his pants. He has the cutest stomach you've EVER seen. It's warm and inviting, and all I want to do is kiss it and run my fingers through the soft little red hairs that cover it. It's beautiful. After admiring that for a second, I needed to pull everything down, and just take him in my mouth. He was certainly caught off guard. I couldn't help it though, I'd been thinking of him and doing such a thing all day. I pushed him down to the bed, and laid there with him, just slowly sucking, in no rush to get anywhere, just loving the act, not concerned with the results. Taking him deep, loving every inch of him.

I LOVED the look on his face when I was doing it. He admired at first, just watching and enjoying, but as it continued, he closed his eyes, getting totally into it, until he was close. At that point, you can see the pleasure and agony all mixed into one. It's a fantastic show, and one I love to direct.

Later that night, he returned the favour, as polite men do. ;) My god, does that boy know JUST what to do to me. He gets me so close so fast, my body has no idea what to do with itself. There are times I want to push him off because the feeling is just too intense, but I don't have the ability to do so. It feels like I'll die if he doesn't stop, but I just can't bring myself to make him. I love it. Last night was incredible, he has the softest tongue in the world. It felt great - fantastic! - but my body just did not want to cum. I was on the edge for about three minutes, but Alan just wasn't taking no for an answer. The buildup to it was so intense that when I finally DID manage to orgasm, I went crazy. My hips wouldn't keep still - I was literally trying to fuck his face, I think. I have no idea. I had no control over myself in that moment. It was spectacular. Amazing. Unreal. He's just too good to me.

My legs wouldn't stop shaking. Every few seconds I'd shiver in pleasure and couldn't help but let out an ooh. And this was AFTER the orgasm!~ I just couldn't stop writhing around on the bed, running my hands over me, over him, and just enjoying. After a few minutes Alan couldn't contain his giggles at me. He told me I was acting like I was high. So, what else could I do but let out a "Duuuuuuuuude." hehe He had a huge laugh at that. He's so much fun. :)

He's Perfect.. so flawless. :)

If you had asked me six months ago what I would need to have in a guy to consider dating him, I would have given you five strict guidelines.

1) I need someone who's lively and fun! Who can make me laugh even in the most serious of times. Alan IS that. He's goofy and sweet and would do anything to cheer me up.

2) I need someone who's not afraid of emotional intimacy, or showing it in physical ways. There was a huge lack of both of those things in my last relationship. Alan and I have already seriously talked about huge things. Enormous things. People have said they've wanted to make a lifelong commitment to me in the past. But I've always known that it would never happen. I'm not saying all of those men were bullshitting, but I don't think they've seen the relationship in an analytical dissective sort of way as I did. Either way, whenever someone said that to me, I could have easily pointed out ten reasons why it could never work. With Alan and I there is no doubt that it could happen. I mean, REALLY happen. And to add to that emotional attachment, we've had sex every night this week.

3) I need someone who trusts me. When Alan and I first became friends, the person I was dating was so enraged with jealousy over it that it pushed me further and further away until there was no getting me back. I will never again be with anyone who doesn't trust me 100 percent, because it hurts too much to be thought of as anything but a trustworthy person when I've done nothing to warrant any such suspicion.

4) I need someone with an open mind. This is pretty self explanitory considering what I do, and taking into account what Alan is about to do. I will never feel like less of a person because someone doesn't morally agree with something I am interested in exploring. I'm just more liberated than most people when it comes to sex, sexual orientation, and strict life rules.

5) Red hair! Okay, so maybe that's not one of them.. but it doesn't hurt! ;) I've ALWAYS been naturally attracted to redheads. Girls, guys, whatever. They're beautiful. Gorgeous! Lucky! SEXY! It's what first caught my eye with him, all those months ago.

But most importantly, I need someone I look up to. Who I adore with everything I have. Who I feel safe with, no matter how vulnerable I'm feeling. Last Saturday i learned of some things at my day job which were seriously threatening to my employment. We went out Saturday night, and I got wasted. So wasted it took me more than eight hours to sober myself up. I had never been so drunk in my life. Not only did Alan take care of me the entire night, (and buy me a drink whenever I wished!) he made sure I didn't drive anywhere, etc, he took me home to his bed, and let me sleep it off. When I told him I was feeling so empty that I needed physical contact with him, he didn't even blink. He doesn't even realize how much of a provider he is.

And it's not even just him who's so amazing. His whole family is. Last night I had a flat tire on my way to go pick him up from work. I had only about ten minutes until he was off. Since I knew roadside assistance would be a hell of a lot longer than ten minutes, I called Alan's mother to go and get him, so he wouldn't be waiting. she insisted that both her and his father were coming to get the both of us. His father laid on the cold dirty ground to fix my tire, and was most pleasant about it. He even read through the only car manual I had with me, the french version, because I couldn't. His sister has been a doll 100% of the time, even though I'm sure my prescence takes away from the time that she would spend with him, doing their geeky video-game stuff. ;)

Overall, I don't know how I am so lucky to have all of this. There's not one thing that makes me say "everything would be PERFECT if it wasn't for *example*!" which is one of the most common things you'll hear someone say when they are conversing about their relationship. I have everything I've ever wanted, and more than I've ever dreamed of. And I'll never ever let it go. ;)

Wow, was I young and stupid..

The Early Phone Slut Days

Moving on..

Who in their right mind lets their girlfriend work in the sex industry?
I mean, there are so many issues surrounding it.
Unknown men, strangers, get to ask your girlfriend for anything they sexually please. And she performs.

The strange thing is, I'm perfectly comfortable with Alan working the lines or camshows too. And I'll be the first to admit that I am the jealous type. ;) But I have my own reasons for that. The only rule I have is that he can not do it with anyone that we personally know, paid or not. I think that it will just work for us.

We've talked about moving in together before, just for the reason that it would make it so much more profitable for the both of us. Not only would he not have his parents knocking on his bedroom door while he was trying to do a camshow, his presence would make it possible for couple shows, even though I don't want to jump into those right away.Becuase I wouldn't have to go pick him up all the time, it would save tons of kilometers on my car, not to mention that gas is at 104.8 a liter now. Financially, it just sounds so much better. He mentioned last night that his parents want to start charging him rent - if he's going to be paying rent somewhere else, why not do it elsewhere where he can MAKE more money?

Now, it needs to be said that it's not simply a smart financial move. I also want this to happen. Which is so fucked up, since at the moment we've only been dating for six weeks. But I do want this. I love the idea of being held when I sleep. Waking up in the morning with someone. Cooking for more than just one person! Having someone there when I get home from work. And just spending time together without having to worry that I have to bring him home before I fall asleep.

It's scary though. I won't have any time by myself. I have always been very protective over my posessions, which is something he has not experienced yet. I don't think he knows where my lines are, or will be. It'll be a learning process for both of us.

I told him he'd have to get a cell phone. ;) hehe Not only will he not be able to carry his parents with him when he goes out, but if I get a land line installed in my apartment, it will likely be used for niteflirt calls only. I won't even be giving my day employer that number. I don't like the idea of my phone ringing off the hook when I'm trying to sleep on my day off, which is what happens now with my cell phone. The difference is, you can turn a cell off. A landline is just there. You could make the argument that you could turn off the ringer, but who would remember to turn it back on when they got up? On each and every phone? not worth the hassle on my part.

There are details to be worked out, of course. But all in all, the idea of coming home from work at the end of a long day, getting a quick shower, and then being able to give a slow, hour long blow-job? Sounds pretty sweet to me. ;)

"Oh. Holy. Jesus."-Bridget Jones

Before my roomate was heading off on vacation, I figured I'd get a photo shoot in before he left. I knew he'd be taking the camera which takes very high detail photos, examples of which you can see in the last entry. I put on my brand spanking new high heels, and something soft and silky, and took roundabout 80 photos.

He called me up just ten minutes ago, and said "WOW, were those for me?"
Stupid me had no idea what he was talking about. When he clarified that he meant the pictures I had left him, I thought he meant the pictures from the beach, from the last entry. Of me and Alan.

"I think those shoes are really suited to you."
He took my memory card. He now has ALL of those photos.
He knew that he wasn't meant to see them. He knew that I had forgotten to delete them.
"Hey, these aren't bad! You know, for those nights when I'm all alone..."

If that isn't embarassing enough as it was, he was laughing at me. It wouldn't have been so bad if he could have called me a slut or something to that effect, and gotten it over with. I can take an insult, probably alot better than most people can. I can't take humiliation. That's what my dad would do to me as a child when I needed to be corrected. Instead of just correcting me, he would embarass me, usually in front of a room full of people. I hated when he would talk as if I wasn't there. "She's in this stage where she just DOES such and such, without thinking! " I guess he figured it would stick that way. Well, thanks Dad, it did.

So somehow I have to convince him that I was just fooling around with the timer thingajig on the camera, or something, and not going full out pornslut. If you knew what that memory card contained, and if you could see how red my face is right now, you'd be hard pressed to believe me too.

I can't believe it's August already. It's made me realize how little I've done this summer, because I've been working too much. Not on the phone, but with my regular job. I keep putting things off. I haven't moved the barbeque an inch since last year, and I LOVE barbeque! :) I guess I've just been distracted by other things.

One thing I want to do is drive to some random town I haven't been before, with my camera and tripod, and just capture every little detail. To do so properly, I need a full day, and it has to be beautiful out.

The last time I headed anywhere with my camera was with Alan, to the beach. We came back with these beautiful photos,


I love them. These pictures are something that I'll treasure for the rest of my life. I have this problem where I can't remember details of a day or a person without a picture - one of the main reasons I had to become a photographer. When I'm talking about someone, I can't just picture their face. It's one of the main reasons I can remember street names, I just can't remember which streets they belong to.

With this particular day, I can remember the temperature, the cloudless sky, his sexy manly scent, the seabreeze, everything. I've got copies in my car, and when I move back into my own apartment, they'll be on the wall. I'm trying to find a place that can print them off small enough for my wallet and keychain. Alan has them side by side, in this one frame, that sits right at the side of his bed. It was a perfect day, and I never want to forget a single thing about it.