Changes

SO SO much going on. I feel like I haven't stopped for the past week.

I am back home in my apartment! Finally! I'd been living with my ex-boyfriend for about five months while my place was being renovated.

It was a hell living with him. At the time I moved in, I was expecting to be there for two weeks, and the boy and I were still together - barely. I came home from work at night tired, and worn out, only to hear of my shortcomings. We argued, and I always was made to feel worhtless. There was even an argument, near the end of my time there, where I was thrown out, and slept in my car for the night. For the last year or so, it'd been a very unloving relationship. When Alan came into my life, I realized there was so much more I could have. We'd talk about me and the boyfriend, and he'd be shocked of the things I'd say, all the while, I thought the way things were going were normal. He wasn't abusive or any such silly thing, but just very detatched.

I can give the exact moment that I fell out of love with the old boyfriend. We were driving on the highway at around 9pm at night, 120/kph, when I saw a minivan stopped in our lane, no emergency lights, nothing. It was dark, and by the time I realized he didn't see it, all I could think to say was "..car.. car! CAR!" while furiously pointing to the road. By the time he saw it we were on top of it, and he had to swerve into the other lane to avoid it. Because of the sudden swerve at such a high speed, the car started fishtailing, and somehow we ended up spinning around a few times. We only stopped when we hit the guardrail to an overpass bridge, with a large drop onto an underpass right outside my window. I thought for sure we were going over, and that it was all over. When the car smacked the rail, and I realized that we were stopped, I lost it. I started crying and screaming. I fucking lost my head. He got out to check the damage to the front of his car before he even asked if I was okay. On our way home, I was still softly crying; not because of the accident, but because I felt so unloved and alone. He hadn't even held my hand or given me a hug for reassurance. It was that moment that my heart unattached itself.

Alan doesn't realize how big of a change what we have is to what I've gotten used to over the past four years. It's very scary to me sometimes, and i unconsciously push him away because of it. He's just too wonderful to me, and always full of surprises.

There have been many changes in the past little while in my life. I bought a car, I have a newly renovated apartment, new haircut (new look!), a new boyfriend (huge change), and the ability to get back into the phone sex business, something I couldn't do with the old boyfriend. I have officially decided to quit my current day job. I deserve alot better treatment than what they've offered. I also recently discovered that I'm not eligible for the medical/dental/vison insurance I was told about during my orientation for the reason that I'm considered part time. I work 35 hours a week. That's not part time, in my opinion. I also should have been told this before, as I've asked about it numerous times. I've given them a year of my life, and they won't even help me get a pair of glasses for my worsening vision? It's not as if they're some small mom and pop shop, they're a major international company. Yeah, I've had my fill. So I'm on the lookout for a new job as well. :)

I'm the type of person who's always been afraid of change. But having all of these good things happen in such a short period of time (think two-three months) has shown me how much FUN change can be. I've completely altered almost every part of my lifestyle, and I still have things left to do. :) I can't wait to start running into people who haven't seen the NEW me yet. ;)